December 4, 2012 was an enormous shift in my life. It’s the day I chose to face fear in the face, get my shit together, and allow my authentic self to shine! For years I surrendered to fear, even though my inner voice was screaming for something better, telling me that I was worthy of more.
I am grateful for the woman I have chosen to become, who was always there, yet suppressed.
I may not like all of my experiences in my life, however I am truly grateful for all of them, or I would not be the person I am today.
I reflect where I was four years ago today and I would not go back to that person, mindset, partnership, or environment for anything. Four years ago I left my partner of twenty-one years terrified and penniless, after my partner’s fist went through our bedroom door. I left not knowing where I was going. Within five minutes my cell phone was shut off and debit card cancelled. I drove around for thirty minutes searching for a pay phone. There’s nothing like finding a pay phone and it not work, because the cord was cut, or receiver gone.
The first person I called wasn’t didn’t answer. I am so grateful the universe works in amazing ways. I called another person, without hesitation she invited me and my youngest son, who was with me, to stay at her home. I thought staying at my friends would be one night, it turned into six months, while my friend and her partner supported my son and myself financially and mentally.
I remember saying to my friends that I used to have a backbone, and somewhere in my life I lost it, but I wanted it back. That Sunday I attended church with my friends, where wherever you are on your spiritual journey you are welcome. In the bookstore I found a little blue stone that says “you need a backbone, instead a wishbone”. Ahhhh! That totally resonated with me. I had been wishing for years that my relationship would change, that I would change. It was like the universe smacked me and said, “Can I be anymore clear to you?” The opportunity was there, I just had to make the choice.
I chose to focus on me and start working on myself. I journaled like you wouldn’t believe. In one week I filled a journal and began my next. I started what is now apart of my daily ritual. I attended a weekly class that my friends gifted me, that I still use tools from daily. The “work” was challenging and so rewarding. I discovered myself and reconnected to my soul, my authentic self that I thought was gone.
In six months I went from being penniless, to living with friends supporting me in every way, to living in a home and working. I kept thinking stepping stones. Every step I took was a stepping stone to the next. I have always been driven and my badass self was coming back. I was not homeless, I was not penniless, I was not alone and miserable as my previous partner told me I would be, if I ever left him.
The stepping stones to get me to where I am today were not always easy! I put forth the energy and invested it in myself to be the best person I can be and I am damn proud. I had a choice and I chose and still choose to take action.