Have You Ever Battled Internally With a Friendship?

Have you ever battled internally with a friendship? Have you ever loved someone and didn’t want to let them go? I have.

I have a friend who came into my life when I was eighteen, twenty-three years ago. We lost touch when I moved to Seattle, but with Facebook we reconnected. It’s difficult when someone who was once your friend and mentor becomes someone you don’t recognize.

This relationship was different. I have had other friendships that either I have chosen to let go, because they were toxic. Or we both chose to become disconnected and not extend that hand.

I like to think of myself as a good friend. I’m the kind of person that if you are my friend I have your back! Maybe it’s because I’m an only child. Maybe it’s because of the trauma. Maybe it’s because the trust issues I used to have. Maybe it’s because a lot of reasons. I can tell you that once you were in my life and had my trust our friendship was deep in my heart.

This friend taught me so much in my young adult life. During my divorce I reflected on all of the extraordinary women who persevered, supported their family, who were insightful, kind, and uplifted others. This friend was one of those women. Something this friend said to me when I was eighteen has never left me, and is something I think of almost daily.

Today I am allowing myself to feel my sadness. To mourn the loss of my friend. I woke yesterday on a special day, but was torn. I battled with my own ego and feelings of sadness about our friendship. My ego didn’t want to wish her well and send her love. My ego wanted to dismiss, be angry and say fuck it. My soul was and is sad. I’m sad because I would love to reconnect with her. I’m sad because we were disconnected for so long. I’m sad because we live or lived in the same city finally and did not spend time together. I’m sad because when we text I felt like there was always an excuse from her to not spend time together to reconnect. I’m sad because out of nowhere she was gone. I’m sad because nobody knew what happened to my friend. She was there one day and gone the next. Poof! GONE! I’m sad because I was scared and thought what happened to her, will I ever see her again? And then there she was. It is so strange to have someone you genuinely care for gone and then come back and not say a word. More than anything I’m sad because I would love to have seen her, hugged her, and had coffee with her.


I love you lady! I do wish you the best.